I cannot find my penis.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
