my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Dignity is for republicans.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
