you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
