Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
