The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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