I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
