I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
