I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
