drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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