she woke up with a sticky ear
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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