I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
