I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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