the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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