Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
