My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
