Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
