On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
