Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
