He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
