The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
