Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
