Kiss
Puke
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
