So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
