I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I love you. Go after that dick
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
