He disabled his match.com account in front of me
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
