My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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