i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just gift wrapped bread.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
