oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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