My liver just broke up with me...
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize