I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
