I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
