I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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