is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
