I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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