I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
