i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Randomize
