JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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