I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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