people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
