first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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