youre lurking in front of me
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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