is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
