i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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