What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
