Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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