Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
