i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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