I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
