i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
