Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
