he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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