I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
