sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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