UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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