I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
