what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
