do herpes really smell.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
