and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize