I need to stop coming to work sober
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize