I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
