you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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